I was not okay.
I had just gotten back from my sister’s house, where I spent the weekend attempting to be strong for my family that was there. The thing was, I didn’t want to be strong. I just wanted to cry and scream and bitch about how unfair the whole situation was.
I didn’t get home until just a few hours before my senior to Alum ritual that was taking place. Those few hours I used to get ready and also to cry. I hugged my boyfriend and I cried. I couldn’t stop.
I managed to pull myself together for the meeting… that is, until it was time for me to give my speech. I stood there in front of a room of girls that I hardly know - but that is my own fault, i’ve distanced myself.
I opened my mouth and said “This is kinda awkward…” and then I said “I didn’t have a chance to prepare words for this because…”
Then I lost it. I started sobbing. Hard core sobbing. I don’t typically cry like that, but I just wanted to not be okay. I just stood there sobbing, and almost fell over with the weight of the weekend pushing me down. Then, two of my lovely sisters stood up and pulled me into a hug.
With their support, I managed to spit out words about what had happened. I continued to sob, and it was okay. It was okay for me to not be okay.
I finally was able to get past this weekend and tell them about how the past four years with the chapter have honestly shaped me. I apologized that I have made myself distant. I was honest. I sobbed in front of girls I hardly know and I was so purely honest.
You know what? It felt good. In a way I freed myself from the cage I had trapped myself in. I always felt the need to be strong for everyone around me, but this weekend I called bullshit on myself.
A year ago I was budgeting time to write honest words and have honest conversations. Since I’ve been back from the internship I’ve moved away from that. I need to get back there. I need to stop closing myself off from everyone I know.
& I will.
Gorgeous and Delicious Literary Cakes (via Flavorwire).
From first to last: Assorted titles wedding cake, The Giving Tree, The Very Hungry Caterpillar cupcakes, Chronicles of Narnia, The Night Circus and 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.